i fear, yet fear not…

My heart is racing; It keeps me up at night.

How can my heart ache so badly with so many fears? I’ve never wanted anything this badly.

I look into the mirror and I take a deep breath.

It wasn’t something bad that triggered this panic; oh in fact, it was like a gentle reminder from God himself. That is why I tremble in fear.

I know my calling and I know the tough road ahead.

In dreams and visions I see and feel the turmoil and hardship to come. I feel it in my dreams and it channels constant fear through my veins when I’m awake.

I fear, yet fear not.

He plans the best for me and I will take whatever he plans for me.

He watches over me.


Medical school is not a place for smart people, but for those who are insane enough to dream for it, pray for it, work hard for it and live for it.

It’s for those who are crazy enough to want the sense of purpose that fuels their veins.

And it is insanity, then let it be, for even if it means more sleepless nights, more examinations to pass, more years in university and more sacrifices to endure.

Nothing will change. I will still keep choosing this path over and over again even for a hundred more days and a thousand more years. And nothing in this world can stop me from taking an adventure as worthy taking as this, even for a million more lifetimes.

I stumbled upon this and I knew that this was the motivational quote I have been looking for for years. Every part of this quote, I am able to agree with, with conviction. Reading this quote gives me strength during burn outs and keeps me in track when I lose sight of what I want to do with my life.

I thought I’d share it with you guys, who ever is in the chase towards a life-long career like me too 🙂

finally changed my bad spending habits

I used to spend about $1K a month and now I am spending only $250( includes transport, food and other expenses).

I had horrible spending habits. I’ll list some out for you…

  1. I only checked the price tags after trying out the clothes
  2. I loved eating out
  3. I over ordered food at times
  4. I grabbed everywhere

So from the above listed habits, I decided to…

  1. Stop all shopping until after my finals
  2. Went to the supermarket more
  3. Consciously eat and have good morning habits
  4. Time management and no more laziness

So now, I’ll into detail why these worked out for me.

Stop all shopping until after my finals

Last time I used to go in a shop, take whatever I liked, tried it on, and only if I liked it, then I checked the price tag. The problem with this is, sometimes I liked the piece enough to decide to go through the pain of spending that much. I would spend $70 on a single top or simple denim shorts which I never really honestly felt regret, which made it even scarier of a habit now that I think about it.

So since I can’t trust my inner demons, I decided to not even try to enter stores, nor browse any online shopping platform. I started off by deleting all my shopping applications, clearing them in my favourites bar in google chrome and staying away from shopping malls. Then, I set my freedom date to the day after my finals. This meant that

The first few days were horrible… It was almost as if I had to constantly brush off the thought every few hours. I desperately tried to find other ways to spend my time like studying and watching youtube videos. Over time, it was going well. I started to explore my own closet and got creative with it too. I realised I had so many clothes that I didn’t wear often and some even not at all so that sparked a sense of excitement to wear those, and get creative with old pieces. I even started to think that it is dumb to spend on clothes that are brand new and even researched on thrift shops.

I guess in conclusion, I shifted my focus of being vain, to learning new things and saving money for a greater purpose.

Went to the supermarket more

I won’t go too much into this but last time on a normal day, I’d spend about $20 to $50 a day on food and drinks which was not a great deal to me before. Then I realised, as I was calculating my expenses, that the bulk of it came from eating out.

So I decided to set aside $50 for grocery shopping and only getting food outside when I was sick or when I had to spend a special day out with friends for special occasions. Whenever I had to spend outside, I would take note of them in a list in my phone. That way I would look at it accumulative and scare myself into not eating out.

OH! The main part was bringing a water bottle with me everywhere. This curbed my habits of buying drinks outside which could cost $2 to $8.

Consciously eat and have good morning habits

I won’t go much into why I over ordered because pretty sure it’s quite intuitive… 🙂

ANYWAY, I started to drink down a cup of water once I got up and then had tea or apple cider vinegar. This really helped me get rid of urges to over eat. I also started to really watch my food and eat slowly. At the start, I would even make sure I chewed until the consistency in my mouth was really mushed up before I swallowed. So by the time I was done, I was already full and I would change my mind on getting dessert or a tea break snack.

Time management & no laziness

I realised I had a really bad habit of grabbing… only when I was close to reaching platinum… So I sat down and thought hard about why I had such a bad habit and came up with the excuses “Oh I’ll be late if I don’t grab” and “I’ll earn points and appear there fresh and free of anxiety”. With that, I started off with making a conscious effort to wake up at 7am everyday so that I can be more productive and allow for travelling time through public transport. This already saves me a few hundred dollars a month. I also kicked the chase for platinum because as I thought about it more, I found it really ridiculous considering the fact that I’m still a struggling undergraduate with no fixed income.

So yay to growth and “adulting” 🙂