deleting Instagram!! #2

So today I actually dressed up, which is extremely rare! My friends usually complain about how I could wear sloppy wear to hang out with friends 🙂 After I dressed up, I realised I could not share it with my friends and that really bummed me out…

Which is bad in my opinion.

I wanted to have a healthy relationship with appearance and having a solid and steady development loving myself.

After a while, I realised that I felt great regardless! Stepping out and being out, not being afraid about having enough likes or getting validation from my peers lifted a huge weight over my shoulders. Not only that, I got to know that I don’t actually entirely hate my appearance through how I felt being out in public, with all the make up and nice clothes, without getting approval from my friends.

beauty_1552539572287

Today, a full day out and I didn’t get to share any of it with instagram yet I felt great and beautiful at the end of the day!

I guess this marks the start of a healthier relationship with self-gratification and appreciation! hehe

coming back into religion

Imagine, a kid who is extremely spoiled and entitled going out for drinks and parties, yet coming home to parents who do not shoot her down for it yet let her be and love her regardless. That was how I was with God.

I recently came to know of this through a combined university retreat and it was kind of shocking. I mean I always knew I skipped church sessions and stuff but in my head, I always subconsciously admired and talked to God. But what made this camp stand out was the amount of realisations I had about myself.

For some of you who don’t know what happens in a retreat, basically, we pray and sing and make new friends, as we rekindle the flame in our hearts to find jesus after being tainted by the world’s problems and distractions.

There was this part where people come over and pray over us and speak to us some “advices”. I used to be really skeptical about this part because I didn’t believe that Jesus could use people to speak words of wisdom and I always thought that those people who pray over others just make up stuff that are general. But this time I was struck really hard. The senior who prayed over me, after praying in tongues, said to me that I was still struggling from the hurt because someone in my past left me for someone I deemed was better than myself. When I heard that, I was really shocked and so I started crying. I was crying because I did not tell anyone there about my past and I have been trying to keep up with the lie that I have let go of that hurt a long time ago. Hearing those words from a stranger was really something.

Then the next day, we had praying over again and the first few words I heard were “Jesus says he’s really sorry for the hurt you went through for so long…”. I started crying so much because I instantly felt comfort like never before and I felt sad that someone so great can feel so small for me. In those few words, I felt so much love. The praying session was so intense that I made the people praying over me cry.

And I’m not even done yet. Right after the prayer session, I went for confession and the priest called me out on my lack of self-worth. You’d think that after a few years of knowing how to glam up and take care of my body you’d feel 10/10 about yourself. He also called me out on being lazy with my relationship with Jesus.

On the last day of the retreat, I decided to really change my life. I was so tired of going into many camps hoping for a change to happen. But the thing I failed to do in the previous camps were to really let go to be vulnerable and learn and to put effort into that change I want to happen.

After much reflection, I realised that I probably never really believed in Jesus and so I lacked the love or at least failed to recognize the love I have in my life. Having all these truths revealed to me, tearing down my lies, really showed me that Jesus exists. Not only that he exists but that he has always been there in my life. I know, it’s kind of sad that I had to go through so much to know these things that came easily with most christians, but I don’t mind it.

There is no such thing as “finding God too late”.

This year I have a new goal and that is to be closer to Jesus. Posting this online to be accountable to this new proclaimed love for Jesus.

25/12/2018

#OYPCUR2018

effortless beauty

I have considered plastic surgery before. In fact, my mom has sent me for a consultation with plastic surgeon Dr Wu.

But it’s always never really solidified as a plan. And I never really wanted it badly, though I was sure, I really hated my nose. I hated my teeth, I hated so many things.

In primary school, I was bullied by quite a few people, both verbally and physically. They almost always targeted my looks and how timid I was. They thrived over my unwillingness to stand up for my self, and my wreaking insecurities.

Eventually, I grew up and became better looking as the years went by. I started to attract guys and although it was flattering, I never really got a sense of security in my own beauty with them around.

A few more years down, I tried make up. I tried fashion and deliberately finding pieces that flatter me. It was fun for a while, but in the long run it started to get tiring and superficial. Other girls can do it, but it’s just not me. It drains me. But it’s okay, I went back to my simple ways.

As I gave it more thought, I realized I was happy being simple. I am happy being simple. I love being able to breathe well in my shorts, to have my pores bare and breathing, my lips being able to brush against the food I consume. I love carrying a backpack, wearing dinosaurs on my ears and overloading my bag with k8’s essentials like umbrella, tissues, water bottle, lip balm etc. So then I thought, there must be a way, to enhance something and yet stay simple and me.

Effortless beauty

I don’t mean model like selfies by the bed kind of effortless. I mean, to naturally change what I can change, to the best I can, so that I can be bare and feel beautiful. Take for instance, I can grow out my lashes with castor oil, I can thin my face out with massages daily, I can fixed my chapped lips with honey every morning and I can shrink my pores with icing etc.

I want to be able to be my own definition of beautiful without make up or any fancy clothing. I want to be able to distinguish special days and outings with friends where I do wear make up and dress up.

I want to feel beautiful both with make up and without.

I’m doing quite a few things to do that now. When I succeed at it, I’ll update you guys 🙂