stop hugging me

Hugs are basic forms of affection, or so most people say.

People give them out for free and often. People hug to say hi, to apologise, to love, to finish their sentences.

Stop it.

Hugs are powerful.

Stop giving them so carelessly.

A hug can cure loneliness, it can confess love, it can comfort beyond words can ever. A hug can mend ties, bid farewell and give you life. A hug can make you a new friend, a new lover or soulmate.

A hug, can shatter the walls I take forever to build…

So stop giving it to me if you don’t mean it.

Don’t leave me lonelier than before you came.

I beg you.

not today satan!! i decide who to love

Every night, I struggle in my sleep to decipher why you appear in my dreams.

Surely, you didn’t appear in my dreams with a purpose… right?

Oh god, I hope not.

It must be pure coincidence.

We are better friends. I like it this way.

For every dream I dream, feels like sin. It feels wrong because my mind and heart belongs to someone but my heart and soul yearns for you.

But I am careful.

For being with you in real life is too good to be true.

So I wrap up my wishes and feelings and store them at the back of my consciousness and pray that in the next life, maybe… just maybe… you might be mine.

the outline of your face

I could have sworn I finally forgot what you looked like. I thought to myself, if I’ll never forget the pain you caused, I should at least forget how you look like.

I should forget how deep your dimple piercings were and how I used to love playing with them. I should forget how your eyes, though small, were the most beautiful pair I’ve had the privilege of gazing at. I should forget how you had the most lushest lips I had pressed against my lips.

I should at least forget the details on your face, so that I may at least be able to miss you in a crowd and not be reminded of what I lost.

After so long I believed that I did it; I finally forgot what he was like.

But today I found out I was wrong.

Out of the blue, I had a detailed image of you in my head. So detailed, that as I scanned across the mental image, It ticked off all the points of details I remembered. No idea what triggered this, but whatever. It’s done.

What made it worse was, it was a moving picture. Watching you move, made it more painful. As I watched you move, I felt my heart burn like corrosive acid on skin.

I felt alive with emotion yet dead with no hope.

So with this, I’ll try to forget you again from today.

hurts like heaven

I’m in a period of relapse, or rather what you call burn out, regression.

I’m at a point where I know I am exhausted; I’m tired of all the routines of study and work. I’m beat and my demons are taking over me.

I know it is temporary but right now they’re really getting into my system. I feel it getting stronger by the minute.

With the exhaustion of the thought of my existence and the unknown of what’s to come, the monsters I hid under the rug start to peep out. My past creeping back.

They come out when I face the mirrors, they talk to me when I see my photographs. They seep into my brain tissue when I see anything that could possibly remind me of you. They hold me dearly, as if comforting me, whenever I get lost in emotional moody songs- “It’s alright to be like this.”.

They’re not wrong. It is okay to be like that.

But I wonder when, if I do, when will I break free from their deceivingly comforting grasp. Everytime I do, they remind me that you, like heaven, hurts yet feels so good.

So now tell me…

How do I unmiss you?

not just a boyfriend

I can’t stress enough the importance of a good companion. We shouldn’t be with someone romantically just because you click with them or you are physically attracted to them.

Nowadays, people say that you should be with someone to increase your value, or you should be with someone so you can have kids, or even just so that you won’t die alone. I get it that being alone is sad, but let’s not confuse it with being lonely. Being alone can still mean you’re happy with yourself and you are just physically alone, rather than alone in a mental state of mind.

I just recently had a meltdown from the stresses of school but it came very timely because my boyfriend just so happened to be there with me. I don’t know about you, but i am not the kind of girlfriend to lash out on my boyfriend or rely on him for my problems. My relationship is in a way that we are 2 individuals who are hustling and we look to each other for comfort in trying times, and a home to come back to at the end of the day. In essence, we are 2 whole people, still working through our individual lives, but coming back to a home to rest and share the prosperity we get from the hustle.

I broke down because the pressure from school and thoughts of the future just overwhelmed me. I had exes who could not understand me, or became defensive or passive aggressive when i brought up issues or challenges or thoughts I had. So as I went into the melt down, I tried to hide it from him by having my back facing him, pretending to do my work. Then suddenly, he comes to me from behind and hugs me, saying, “Don’t be stressed out okay?”. I was stunned because I did not say anything about it. He told me he just felt the tenseness in me and wanted to ask. He hugged me tight and there it went…

I started bawling like a little girl who tripped so bad. He just sat in front of me and held tissues for me while I struggled to keep up with the snot coming out of my nose. He just sat there, patiently and kindly. After I started to calm down, he prompted for me to tell him what was bothering me. I told him a very vague statement, “I’m just stressed out.”. I said a vague statement because based on the previous people I dated, I just didn’t want to be a problematic girlfriend nor experience the same disappointment as with past dates. I especially hate it when I tell someone my vulnerabilities only to find out they can’t sympathize with me or care enough to listen to my whole story.

“Specifically what is making you stressed out?”

“Quite a few things.”

“Tell me everything.”

I started crying after hearing that.

This is why I am writing this post today. I realized that I have spent, or rather wasted too much time, changing myself to suit people who I, at that point of time, thought would be soulmates and life-long constants. I shouldn’t need to change. The right people would already want to be with me at my worst. They would want to be hear my stories. They would want to chill with me without my make up. They would want to care for me when i’m smelly and sick.

I don’t know if the current person I am with is going to end up being the person I marry, but I am sure that this relationship would be one that would be remembered as the relationship that is proof, that there are such thing as soulmates.

Love is funny, it hurts, it fears and it is feared, but it should feel right if it’s yours to take.