deleting instagram!! #35

If you’re lost, don’t be. I’m 35 days into my “no Instagram” journey and I’m feeling great!

VIDEO UPDATE:

I feel really optimistic about life and I’m embracing change and transformation, no matter how fast it is or how drastic.

With Instagram out of my life for now, I’m able to sort out my priorities and really “get my shit back together”.

first week at school

recess was bad…

toilet and library I went and back,

while my anxiety consumed me.

the uniform didn’t help either;

3 inches below the knee,

tucked in when it shouldn’t be,

made my heart feel heavier with all that fabric.

//

toilets were the worst…

the mirrors tell you everything- the truths.

but oddly enough,

as I faced the mirror,

it didn’t say anything to me.

it didn’t dare to say anything…

but I saw it;

the reason why the thought of meeting new people and making friends consumed me,

the reason why abandonment issues locked my heart,

the reason why trust issues paint my skin.

//

so back and forth I went,

toilet and library I went and back.

alone was my comfort,

alone was safe,

alone was my fort,

that made reality fade.

\\

The above is true πŸ™‚ I did experience that in high school. Let’s just say I had a really traumatic childhood and I probably haven’t full recovered from it but I’m constantly trying. I still remembered my first week in high school really vividly. I didn’t have friends for quite some time because I didn’t dare to speak in class, nor did I dare even reply other people. During recess, I would run off to wait for time to fly in the toilet, or I’d wait and hide in the library reading books. The canteen was scary because it made me feel more alone than being in a classroom full of people who had their own friends. Cliques formed so quickly, it triggered anxiety whenever I had to form groups for assignments and I had to be those “leftovers” who needed to be adopted into some random groups. After that I really tried, to change and I did. I’m still figuring out my life and work out my insecurities πŸ™‚ I’m hopeful.

If you went through something traumatic too, or still struggling to recover from your past experiences or even yourself, I’d love to hear from you and share some love too :’)

getaway car

you were my youth,

my first taste of escape.

if i could choose,

i’d still wouldn’t have it any other way.

you hurt me yes,

but you still gave me the happiest days.

now in my wisdom days,

i appreciate you as my john ross,

and that i,

in this lifetime,

can only be your betsy.

i’ve come to love,

i’ve come to be loved,

more than you made me thought i deserved.

just like a getaway car,

fast with passion,

we roared like the wind,

but weren’t destined to go very far.

you are my getaway car.

knitting for the soul

I picked up a new skill? Hobby? Maybe?

It’s quite hard and I have mad respect for the ladies at the volunteer place and whoever who can knit!

Also, just want to take the chance to give a shout out to those who have cancer and also to the survivors! Every week I interact with patients while they undergo chemo and it has changed my perception of the disease and they people who have it.

Now that I am starting to have a better understanding of it, I feel really silly to have had the initial impression of how cancer patients should look like or what they would be like. They’re really just like everyone else, except with an extra struggle. They shouldn’t be defined by it, yet they are.

In fact, this goes out to anyone who has had to hide their medical conditions because they refuse to be defined by it. People shouldn’t be defined by the flaws and their short-comings. We should all be given the chance, to beat the odds and have a fair chance to define themselves, according to themselves.

deleting instagram!! #18

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to update daily! I’ve been really living my life out there without Instagram, dealing with school, work, volunteer and going out with friends and family. I also recently started picking up on a new skill!! KNITTING!! I’m officially allowed to be a grandmother πŸ™‚

Back to the topic of Instagram, I’ve really been doing well without it! I even had many days I went out with friends and I didn’t feel left out not putting those moments on insta-story. I’ve also learnt the beauty of just keeping photographs for your own keep sake and not for the purpose of showing others. It’s so old school yet so new, especially if you consider the generation I was born into.

I loved every bit of it. I’m in a better place where I’m more in sync with my life and myself. However now I am still contemplating if I should go back to using it after my 30days are over. It’s been going well but I fear that I would be disadvantaged or lagged behind if I don’t stay in the loop with the people I know, in terms of networking for future businesses etc. I also did notice a con when I realised that I did not know what was going on in my friends’ lives. I missed out on their rants, I missed out on their good days of bonding with their families, I missed out on the dedications they had for me.

I am kind of conflicted now. However, I am optimistic and I know that when the 30 days are over, I would be sure of a decision. πŸ™‚

If you have ever done this or are planning to, do hit me up. I’d love to gather some perspectives about this as I go into settling into a firm decision πŸ™‚