walk on water

is it possible?

a voice within my subconscious called upon me,

to abandon the ship that is struggling through the high seas,

and to walk on the water with it.

confusing,

maybe i’m going insane I thought.

i look over at the raging and clashing waves from the deck,

took a deep breath and jumped.

//

funny…

i opened my eyes and i was walking on ice.

the thin ice carried my weight as i walked…

after a few steps, the thin ice stopped.

i looked beyond the step,

and i realised it was water.

this is where i stop walking,

i thought.

“No. Continue.”,

my subconscious spoke to me.

“You are only limited to your own boundaries you set.”,

she begged me to push myself.

and so i did.

//

i walked and walked,

and as i walked on more,

i felt a weight being lifted.

my mind felt afloat,

my heart spacious and wanting for more,

my feet once tired,

now wants to venture to the ends of the world until i can no longer be on this earth.

now I believe,

that the greatest monsters on earth,

are the ones you create for yourself.

sail with me

soulmates cruising,

in sync with the waves.

so smooth you’d cave,

so magical you’d daze.

storing memories in crates,

preserving tender love for the long haul.

thank you for choosing to sail with me,

weathering through the storm with me,

making it through to the edge of the earth with me.

secretly wishing you happiness :)

Joy in your heart,

Burning passion as you make,

I wish for your happiness,

Regardless which step you take.

I know we parted,

Though we have no say,

I always hoped that we could stay.

But it’s alright,

We need this break.

Or maybe,

It’s a total break…

But promise me you’ll grow,

Into the person you dream of,

And not suffer in vain.

//

I lost a friend,

But the feelings and the lessons you taught me,

Will always be remembered.

fears, fears and more fears

The fear of growing up is real. It’s beyond “I don’t wanna grow up”, “I love having no responsibilities” , “I like having fun” etc.

The fear stems from the thoughts of not being able to fulfil the dreams we had for decades, of not following the plans we mapped out for our “life goals” and of not being better versions of ourselves as promised.

I come from a generation, a batch of humans, obsessed with moving forward, obsessed with being perfect. We strive for constant growth, to fix up the problems accumulated by previous generations. Basically, we push the boundaries of what “perfect” really is. But as we as one generation, speak of such grand endeavours, we are fearful of being failures. There’s no such thing as setbacks; there’s only constant and consistent improvement.

I know in reality, this isn’t the case. But I can’t help but fear of being an adult that my own teenager self won’t look up to. I want to be that daughter who can provide for my parents a comfortable retirement. I want to be that sibling who is able to provide constant support regardless the drift. I want to be that friend who is full of wisdom and develops them to be better versions of theirselves. I want to be that wife, who loves unconditionally and unselfishly. I want to be that mother, like my own, who is forgiving and supportive. I want to be that doctor who would lay down their life for a stranger.

All these wants, are not just mere expectations. These are goals. Goals that are unwavering throughout my life and give me purpose.

These fears, ironically, although they shake me to my core and get the better of me at times, are the reason I’m stronger and more courageous everyday. I fear for my future, but it does not demise my hunger for a successful future, how ever other people’s reality paint me a dark and turbulent road ahead. I look forward to more challenges and more fears to conquer for as long as I live 🙂

giving advices to my little sister

Just to be clear, by little sister, I mean a sister that is 2 years younger than me. She was feeling the pressures of university life and felt like the world was against her.

Now if you must know, I absolutely hate giving advices that I don’t practice. As the saying goes, practice what you preach. So since I usually always feel like I cant stand by my words, I tend to just say “whatever it is I am here for you”, rather than suggesting solutions or sparking thoughts.

However, my sister’s rant to me was one of a kind. And it was extremely relatable. I won’t go too much into her personal problems, but it basically revolves around trying to find her place in the school and feeling like she belongs.

I too, used to struggle with finding my identity in such a big ocean. I was used to being a big fish in a small pond, that is, until I got into university. You’d think you’re already near the top but you realise there’s just about 30000 people on par with you and that makes me feel lost and dispensable. For a whole freshman year I joined whatever was deemed ideal or what would get me more friends. I figured, the more friends, the more I’ll find groups to belong to. The more activities in school I have, the more beautiful my resume would look like. Needless to say, I came out of freshman, loaded with paper achievements, but not happy as I was told I would feel. For a while I was dark and was sad about it. Helpless and alone in the crowd of friends I thought would be friends of virtue for life.

One day, I woke up and just like that, I decided to change my life. Why did I have to rely on my university to fluff up my resume? Why do I need to be in many school activities to show skills and leadership talents? Why am I depending on my university for a bright future? Why am I living life revolving around my university?

Friends? Why do I need so many? I have quite a few solid friends who never left, and a few new ones who always have my back despite the different courses.

School activities? Why do I need so many? Why do I need to fight for leadership roles that seem attractive? Why do I need to belong to a group in school? Based on my career plans, none of the school activities are in line with that, so why not branch out and source for groups that I actually want to be a part of.

Basically, I had a broadened mindset and quit the losers attitude. I listened to my sister’s rants and from there, I slowly started to give her insights, based on my experience and how I made it, how I am slowly making it. This reminded me of the time I gave a pep talk to my student. Eventually, she realised the world around her is her oyster so she started to ease up and find real solutions to her problems.

Based on this experience, I’d like to bring up that we tend to give empty advices and “model answers” very casually without really considering the possible consequences of our words. Words are powerful, yes. But they’re even more powerful from someone you hold dear to, or you look up to. So when our friends or loved ones seek advice, be careful what you say, because it could change their life one day.

Side note: As I was talking to her about how she can change her life and gave her options, I noticed how I’ve changed. It’s almost akin to the effect of writing a blog and learning from the recollection. With this, I’m really glad to be able to say that I have grown, and I am still growing. I hope all of you are too 🙂