i fear, yet fear not…

My heart is racing; It keeps me up at night.

How can my heart ache so badly with so many fears? I’ve never wanted anything this badly.

I look into the mirror and I take a deep breath.

It wasn’t something bad that triggered this panic; oh in fact, it was like a gentle reminder from God himself. That is why I tremble in fear.

I know my calling and I know the tough road ahead.

In dreams and visions I see and feel the turmoil and hardship to come. I feel it in my dreams and it channels constant fear through my veins when I’m awake.

I fear, yet fear not.

He plans the best for me and I will take whatever he plans for me.

He watches over me.

stop hugging me

Hugs are basic forms of affection, or so most people say.

People give them out for free and often. People hug to say hi, to apologise, to love, to finish their sentences.

Stop it.

Hugs are powerful.

Stop giving them so carelessly.

A hug can cure loneliness, it can confess love, it can comfort beyond words can ever. A hug can mend ties, bid farewell and give you life. A hug can make you a new friend, a new lover or soulmate.

A hug, can shatter the walls I take forever to build…

So stop giving it to me if you don’t mean it.

Don’t leave me lonelier than before you came.

I beg you.

growing up too slowly?

I just turned 21 and as much as I’d like to convince myself that life is getting prettier… it isn’t.

I always have assumed that with each passing year, I am closer to my freedom and the ability to control my life and change the world. However in the past few months, I have been exposed to many things I could not comprehend with my naive little head.

My parents began showing me what they had for my sister and I as inheritance and what I would have to continue paying on their behalf as I take on some of their properties. They also showed me many investments and bills, told me of many mistakes they made and what I had to do towards the insurance policies of the family. Hearing all of that made me more knowledgeable but at the same time, anxious because I always thought that the success of my parents were from simple work home work kind of lifestyle. I was a shock being showed the background scenes and knowing that I had to begin helping them was scary for me. Don’t get me wrong! Of course I want to help my parents and I will.

On top of that, I started hearing of friends having difficulty coping with work life, unemployment, backstabbing in work, losing family etc.

All of this in such a short period of time made me feel as if my kingdom was collapsing. I felt like that realm of which I had built with the ideas of optimism and joy was just an illusion. This is leaving me conflicted because I am torn at the cross roads of choosing to mature immediately or accept that my time to mature fully will come gradually.

My parents told me that I should maintain my personality being a bundle of joy and optimism but my friends tell me that I am too kid-like in my mindset towards life.

I don’t run away from responsibilities; I work part time and study too. I have great ambitions and my friends know of it and support me. My parents say my mindset towards money has changed for the better and I am starting to get my priorities right but is it fast enough?

 

let go of people who make you unhappy

There is a certain beauty in choosing to walk away from certain people in your life.

I’ve had a falling out with a small group of girls who I thought would be my girl group for life but I was terribly wrong. I have other cliques that have blossomed even as we grow individually, older and wiser.

This particular clique has managed to explicitly left me out in the dark for too long and has made me feel a special kind of loneliness. Even if I had a loving boyfriend, an ultra amazing bestfriend and supportive cliques, they managed to blind me and suffocate me like a thick cloud of smoke. It was as if I was going to fail in life without them.

One day I went to a retreat to find myself and let’s just say I’m glad I went! They thought me how to reflect on all the relationships in my life and I had mentors to consult too. Basically at the end of the day, I chose to cut them off. But I wasn’t going to be a crude dramatic woman and create a fight and announce it. Instead, I bowed out gracefully from what once was the dream team.

I removed myself from the chats, the private Instagram accounts and muted them. I wanted to a develop an empowering detachment away from them and channel that rage into my passions. And that was what I did!

After a few months, I have grown so much, compared to the few years I have been with them. I wasn’t alone in this for I had loving people around me who knew what I was going through and supported me. I really really am happier now. I’m happier to the point that I do not even hate on them now. In fact I hope they have grown without me too!

Looking back, I really do not regret my decision of leaving. I’m sure we all did not want this from the moment we met, but it had to be done. Some friends are meant to be there all the way but some friends are only meant to be in some chapters to either help you grow or teach you a lesson. They helped me become more courageous to dare to be alone(not lonely but alone) and grow as an individual. I got to find what I really wanted to do with my life and now I’m hustling 🙂

We shouldn’t be binding ourselves to people or objects; we should only be one with ourselves and our fire. So if it’s time to let go, don’t feel bad about it, breathe and let go 🙂 It’ll be a great step towards a greater you.

young love? lost love?

Many people think it is a bad idea of meet up with a person you’ve loved romantically before.

That was my mindset too, before today. But I went ahead to meet him because he was a different case. Hear me out.

What we had was 3 years ago and we had significant time apart and reunited as friends a year ago. When we united as friends, we already had our own romantic relationships and we were really platonic. Trust me. We did not meet at all, apart from group meetings. I guess there was a mutual understanding that we could still be in each other’s lives but slowly and steadily.

We would usually interact through social media and hardly on private messaging. Take for instance if I were to post about a tiring day, he’d just send me a message on Instagram telling me to push on. Little things like that. I’d just reply with thanks or just read and let it be. We would also talk to each other about our own relationships and when he’d talk about how he likes to tease his girlfriend, I would even take her side and tell him off. That’s how much of platonic friends we were.

But you see, that was the beauty of it-almost a whole year, of being distant, yet still following each other’s lives, like guardian angels.

Through the little, yet frequent buzzes on social media or messages of checking up and support, we were able to build a trusting and stable friendship. Knowing that there’s always someone caring, even in the subtle ways, makes me feel very loved and he was able to make me feel that love, from a friend to a friend.

I wouldn’t call it a reversal or undoing the romantic part. We didn’t choose to forget what we went through and act as if nothing had happened. Rather, it should be called maturity.

Maturity on both sides, to know boundaries. This, in line with working on ourselves as individuals and respect for our lovers, makes for a successful platonic friendship.

With respect for the partner we love, temptations become insignificant. We don’t constantly have to fight temptations to fall back because we both understand that what had happened was meant to be. Instead, we look forward, to the future and we are grateful to have each other as friends.

If you’re curious how the day was like:

I was terribly late… We started off with lunch, in a pizzeria in the middle of the city, under the blazing hot sun. We had pasta, pizza and Coke Zero which cost about $68🙃

We started to catch up on university, friends, outlook on life, current relationships etc. Towards the end of the meet up, we ended off with talking about the law internship we were in together with a bunch of other cool people then we went deeper and talked about what happened between us. Honestly, it got me a little nervous as first. But as we were talking more about it, i started to feel at ease and just think of the whole thing like “wow young love”. And some parts of the story he shared, I honestly even forgot had happened. But at the end of it all, we concluded that, what we had was not lost, for if you truly loved someone, you never stop loving them.

After that, we parted ways and I met up with my significant other and appreciated my partner even more.

I am more than grateful to have met him. He’s a great person and I really, sincerely have faith that he’ll do many great things in life.

So to those who don’t believe past lovers can’t be friends, you’re wrong. For if you really wanted to be strictly friends mutually, excuses of “temptations” and “cheating” would not even be considered.