deleting instagram!! #1

Signed out,

deleted the app.

I’ll be updating my feelings and experiences in this 30 day journey! Even during the day itself, day and night, where I feel it is needed!

Decision:

Pretty sure you guys have already heard of the negative impacts of social media!

  • Obsessive relationship with your appearance
  • Diminishing quality of relationships in real life
  • Poorer productivity
  • Poor time management
  • Mental health issues

And more!! But these are the ones that affect me.

I just really want to spend my time in more meaningful things like spending time with family, soaking up experiences, and building on my own image without being narcissistic.

I actually did this once before in secondary school but instead, it was going without my phone for 3months AND THAT FELT SO GOOD!!

So yay okay 🙂 wish me all the best!

Update!

not today satan!! i decide who to love

Every night, I struggle in my sleep to decipher why you appear in my dreams.

Surely, you didn’t appear in my dreams with a purpose… right?

Oh god, I hope not.

It must be pure coincidence.

We are better friends. I like it this way.

For every dream I dream, feels like sin. It feels wrong because my mind and heart belongs to someone but my heart and soul yearns for you.

But I am careful.

For being with you in real life is too good to be true.

So I wrap up my wishes and feelings and store them at the back of my consciousness and pray that in the next life, maybe… just maybe… you might be mine.

fears, fears and more fears

The fear of growing up is real. It’s beyond “I don’t wanna grow up”, “I love having no responsibilities” , “I like having fun” etc.

The fear stems from the thoughts of not being able to fulfil the dreams we had for decades, of not following the plans we mapped out for our “life goals” and of not being better versions of ourselves as promised.

I come from a generation, a batch of humans, obsessed with moving forward, obsessed with being perfect. We strive for constant growth, to fix up the problems accumulated by previous generations. Basically, we push the boundaries of what “perfect” really is. But as we as one generation, speak of such grand endeavours, we are fearful of being failures. There’s no such thing as setbacks; there’s only constant and consistent improvement.

I know in reality, this isn’t the case. But I can’t help but fear of being an adult that my own teenager self won’t look up to. I want to be that daughter who can provide for my parents a comfortable retirement. I want to be that sibling who is able to provide constant support regardless the drift. I want to be that friend who is full of wisdom and develops them to be better versions of theirselves. I want to be that wife, who loves unconditionally and unselfishly. I want to be that mother, like my own, who is forgiving and supportive. I want to be that doctor who would lay down their life for a stranger.

All these wants, are not just mere expectations. These are goals. Goals that are unwavering throughout my life and give me purpose.

These fears, ironically, although they shake me to my core and get the better of me at times, are the reason I’m stronger and more courageous everyday. I fear for my future, but it does not demise my hunger for a successful future, how ever other people’s reality paint me a dark and turbulent road ahead. I look forward to more challenges and more fears to conquer for as long as I live 🙂

freshman survival tips

Things I wished someone told me in my freshman year:

  1. Most people, if not everyone, are competitive.
  2. Get a job
  3. It’s orientation period, not semester, not year
  4. Find more utility friends than pleasure friends
  5. There’s more to life than extra-curricula in school
  6. You don’t have to befriend everyone just because of connections

Most people, if not everyone, are competitive.

  • They’ll come after all the leadership positions if you won’t
  • They’ll push you to the back of the bell curve if you’re slow

Get a job

  • You’re left with about 4 years until life really begins and allowances stop coming in.
  • Having friends in university can be costly since you’ll eat out more often.
  • You’ll find out many of your friends actually have a lot of savings in their bank account, and you don’t.
  • What happens if your friends want to go on a graduation trip and you can’t afford it?
  • What happens if you can’t find a job immediately after graduation?

It’s orientation period, not semester, not year

  • It’s not okay to have a bad gpa in the first semester like the seniors said
  • In fact, it’s a snow ball effect.
  • Consistency is key when it comes to academics & befriend your professors
  • The modules are connected and require a good understanding of the previous modules so you should study hard from the start, instead of partying

Find more utility friends than pleasure friends

  • You need friends to help you with homework if you are stuck
  • They help remind you about deadlines
  • Pleasure friends will ditch you eventually and find more “fun” pleasurable friends
  • Pleasure friends will probably have really bad GPAs and they’ll cover it up with many extra curriculars and clubbing
  • Sometimes, if you’re lucky, utility friends can become virtue friends because you start to spend quality time together

There’s more to life than extra-curricula in school

  • If you keep joining school clubs, your resume won’t look as good as those who contributed outside of school
  • Be careful and only join clubs that will really teach you something or at least help you build useful connections

You don’t have to befriend everyone just because of connections

  • Know that there’s useful connections and useless ones
  • If you disagree what the person stands for or believes in, don’t force yourself to be his Friend just for connections

let go of people who make you unhappy

There is a certain beauty in choosing to walk away from certain people in your life.

I’ve had a falling out with a small group of girls who I thought would be my girl group for life but I was terribly wrong. I have other cliques that have blossomed even as we grow individually, older and wiser.

This particular clique has managed to explicitly left me out in the dark for too long and has made me feel a special kind of loneliness. Even if I had a loving boyfriend, an ultra amazing bestfriend and supportive cliques, they managed to blind me and suffocate me like a thick cloud of smoke. It was as if I was going to fail in life without them.

One day I went to a retreat to find myself and let’s just say I’m glad I went! They thought me how to reflect on all the relationships in my life and I had mentors to consult too. Basically at the end of the day, I chose to cut them off. But I wasn’t going to be a crude dramatic woman and create a fight and announce it. Instead, I bowed out gracefully from what once was the dream team.

I removed myself from the chats, the private Instagram accounts and muted them. I wanted to a develop an empowering detachment away from them and channel that rage into my passions. And that was what I did!

After a few months, I have grown so much, compared to the few years I have been with them. I wasn’t alone in this for I had loving people around me who knew what I was going through and supported me. I really really am happier now. I’m happier to the point that I do not even hate on them now. In fact I hope they have grown without me too!

Looking back, I really do not regret my decision of leaving. I’m sure we all did not want this from the moment we met, but it had to be done. Some friends are meant to be there all the way but some friends are only meant to be in some chapters to either help you grow or teach you a lesson. They helped me become more courageous to dare to be alone(not lonely but alone) and grow as an individual. I got to find what I really wanted to do with my life and now I’m hustling 🙂

We shouldn’t be binding ourselves to people or objects; we should only be one with ourselves and our fire. So if it’s time to let go, don’t feel bad about it, breathe and let go 🙂 It’ll be a great step towards a greater you.