recess was bad…
toilet and library I went and back,
while my anxiety consumed me.
the uniform didn’t help either;
3 inches below the knee,
tucked in when it shouldn’t be,
made my heart feel heavier with all that fabric.
toilets were the worst…
the mirrors tell you everything- the truths.
but oddly enough,
as I faced the mirror,
it didn’t say anything to me.
it didn’t dare to say anything…
but I saw it;
the reason why the thought of meeting new people and making friends consumed me,
the reason why abandonment issues locked my heart,
the reason why trust issues paint my skin.
so back and forth I went,
toilet and library I went and back.
alone was my comfort,
alone was safe,
alone was my fort,
that made reality fade.
The above is true 🙂 I did experience that in high school. Let’s just say I had a really traumatic childhood and I probably haven’t full recovered from it but I’m constantly trying. I still remembered my first week in high school really vividly. I didn’t have friends for quite some time because I didn’t dare to speak in class, nor did I dare even reply other people. During recess, I would run off to wait for time to fly in the toilet, or I’d wait and hide in the library reading books. The canteen was scary because it made me feel more alone than being in a classroom full of people who had their own friends. Cliques formed so quickly, it triggered anxiety whenever I had to form groups for assignments and I had to be those “leftovers” who needed to be adopted into some random groups. After that I really tried, to change and I did. I’m still figuring out my life and work out my insecurities 🙂 I’m hopeful.
If you went through something traumatic too, or still struggling to recover from your past experiences or even yourself, I’d love to hear from you and share some love too :’)