do you?

oh all the time…

I avoid the places we know,

all the time,

because they scream your name,

and ask if I remember you.

I can’t lie to myself,

so I avoid them,

so that maybe,

just maybe,

I can get over you.

But,

actively avoiding those places,

makes the memory of you roar louder in my heart.

But hey,

tell me…

do you go through this too?

the outline of your face

I could have sworn I finally forgot what you looked like. I thought to myself, if I’ll never forget the pain you caused, I should at least forget how you look like.

I should forget how deep your dimple piercings were and how I used to love playing with them. I should forget how your eyes, though small, were the most beautiful pair I’ve had the privilege of gazing at. I should forget how you had the most lushest lips I had pressed against my lips.

I should at least forget the details on your face, so that I may at least be able to miss you in a crowd and not be reminded of what I lost.

After so long I believed that I did it; I finally forgot what he was like.

But today I found out I was wrong.

Out of the blue, I had a detailed image of you in my head. So detailed, that as I scanned across the mental image, It ticked off all the points of details I remembered. No idea what triggered this, but whatever. It’s done.

What made it worse was, it was a moving picture. Watching you move, made it more painful. As I watched you move, I felt my heart burn like corrosive acid on skin.

I felt alive with emotion yet dead with no hope.

So with this, I’ll try to forget you again from today.

i hate love

I don’t even know what it is.

I tried to understand what it was, both in theory and practical sense.

I tried listening to the books and movies. I tried listening to what my friends say it is. And I believed them because, everyday I come home to parents who still flirt with each other even after 20 years of marriage on top of 10 years of dating. My dad was my mother’s first. I mean, if my parents made it, surely love is very real out there right?

Having dated quite a few guys and even made it “official” with a few of them, I admit defeat to this monster called love. Or at least in this context, romantic love.

I no longer believe in love. Why does it keep hurting me? Why does it keep running away, leaving me cold? Why does it chase me, only to leave me more alone than I was at first?

Even with all of that, why do I still feed it?

hurts like heaven

I’m in a period of relapse, or rather what you call burn out, regression.

I’m at a point where I know I am exhausted; I’m tired of all the routines of study and work. I’m beat and my demons are taking over me.

I know it is temporary but right now they’re really getting into my system. I feel it getting stronger by the minute.

With the exhaustion of the thought of my existence and the unknown of what’s to come, the monsters I hid under the rug start to peep out. My past creeping back.

They come out when I face the mirrors, they talk to me when I see my photographs. They seep into my brain tissue when I see anything that could possibly remind me of you. They hold me dearly, as if comforting me, whenever I get lost in emotional moody songs- “It’s alright to be like this.”.

They’re not wrong. It is okay to be like that.

But I wonder when, if I do, when will I break free from their deceivingly comforting grasp. Everytime I do, they remind me that you, like heaven, hurts yet feels so good.

So now tell me…

How do I unmiss you?

love letter to the boys i loved

The first one is always hard.

The first heart break.

It’s that love that we will spend our entire lives, wondering what could have been, if we did things “right”. It’s that love that we invested 1000% and thought they were the one. It’s that love that we would love them at our expense. It’s that love that we give them pieces of ourselves that we will never take back; The first love hurts the most.

It hurts the most because we arguably love the most. We love with all risks taken, we love even if it costs us, we love even when we know it pains, we love even if we know it could cost us our future.

But the worst thing that makes it even more painful is, they didn’t think of you as their first love. Maybe they didn’t even love you half as much as you loved them. We loved so blindly we didn’t see it coming, even if perhaps, there were so many red flags waving at our faces.

Yes, first love hurts. But there’s a certain beauty in this life struggle; Most people are going through it or have gone through it. Everyday, so many people are like you, struggling to see past the darkness and unwilling to move on. Everyday we deliberately find things to stay in contact with them, even if it’s just a distant view from behind. We want to stay in their bubble.

It sucks to admit it, but it’s true.

Although this is true. There is another truth in my case. I can still love another and I know it’s real love.

I don’t know if the love I receive from the guys after him are true. But I know that even after being shattered, I’m still able to love so hard. Maybe not as hard as before, but just enough for the next. And I know that my love is true. That’s probably all that matters.

Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Yes, I might still ache from the pain a little bit from every passing memory or shiver at the sight of some places that haunt me, but I know that one day, maybe in 1 year, 4 years, 10 years, I’ll be happy, for myself, and for everyone whom I loved so dearly.

Love doesn’t hate. Love shouldn’t be selfish. From this I build my faith on that truth.