fears, fears and more fears

The fear of growing up is real. It’s beyond “I don’t wanna grow up”, “I love having no responsibilities” , “I like having fun” etc.

The fear stems from the thoughts of not being able to fulfil the dreams we had for decades, of not following the plans we mapped out for our “life goals” and of not being better versions of ourselves as promised.

I come from a generation, a batch of humans, obsessed with moving forward, obsessed with being perfect. We strive for constant growth, to fix up the problems accumulated by previous generations. Basically, we push the boundaries of what “perfect” really is. But as we as one generation, speak of such grand endeavours, we are fearful of being failures. There’s no such thing as setbacks; there’s only constant and consistent improvement.

I know in reality, this isn’t the case. But I can’t help but fear of being an adult that my own teenager self won’t look up to. I want to be that daughter who can provide for my parents a comfortable retirement. I want to be that sibling who is able to provide constant support regardless the drift. I want to be that friend who is full of wisdom and develops them to be better versions of theirselves. I want to be that wife, who loves unconditionally and unselfishly. I want to be that mother, like my own, who is forgiving and supportive. I want to be that doctor who would lay down their life for a stranger.

All these wants, are not just mere expectations. These are goals. Goals that are unwavering throughout my life and give me purpose.

These fears, ironically, although they shake me to my core and get the better of me at times, are the reason I’m stronger and more courageous everyday. I fear for my future, but it does not demise my hunger for a successful future, how ever other people’s reality paint me a dark and turbulent road ahead. I look forward to more challenges and more fears to conquer for as long as I live 🙂

we rise by lifting others

Personally, I struggle setting good goals for myself and believing in myself. So I tend to set low goals so that I won’t disappoint. So now that I’m eu route to a lifelong medical career, my confidence is shaken everyday.

Today I discovered that I had a cheerleader in me. I’ve been tutoring a child for the notorious primary school leaving examinations and today I asked her “What score would you like to get in 2 years?”. She was lost and didn’t know what to set as her goals. I gave her suggestions and she shut them all down with the same reason-“That’s too high”.

It was looking at a mirror. I saw myself in her. It struck me so hard and I couldn’t believe I had so little faith in myself. But because I saw myself in her, I knew she can make it. So I turned into the cheerleader and pushed her. I told her to aim high and I gave her many reasons why she should aim high. At the end of an hour, I managed to persuade her to aim for a famous school which required a 90th percentile score.

I saw greater purpose in just being her tutor and helping her grades improve. This was my chance to change her life so that she may be better than me. I related so much to her and I know what if I were more confident before, I’d do so much better than now. I am in a good place now but it could have been better. I want to get her there. I want her to grow up and not beat herself up. She’s surrounded by relatives who are doctors and lawyers yet she feels like she’s got no hope.

She excels in math and her science is improving drastically. I have faith in her and I will be there for her, as a tutor and a life mentor.

This is me growing and living up to my motto: we rise by lifting others.