first week at school

recess was bad…

toilet and library I went and back,

while my anxiety consumed me.

the uniform didn’t help either;

3 inches below the knee,

tucked in when it shouldn’t be,

made my heart feel heavier with all that fabric.

//

toilets were the worst…

the mirrors tell you everything- the truths.

but oddly enough,

as I faced the mirror,

it didn’t say anything to me.

it didn’t dare to say anything…

but I saw it;

the reason why the thought of meeting new people and making friends consumed me,

the reason why abandonment issues locked my heart,

the reason why trust issues paint my skin.

//

so back and forth I went,

toilet and library I went and back.

alone was my comfort,

alone was safe,

alone was my fort,

that made reality fade.

\\

The above is true 🙂 I did experience that in high school. Let’s just say I had a really traumatic childhood and I probably haven’t full recovered from it but I’m constantly trying. I still remembered my first week in high school really vividly. I didn’t have friends for quite some time because I didn’t dare to speak in class, nor did I dare even reply other people. During recess, I would run off to wait for time to fly in the toilet, or I’d wait and hide in the library reading books. The canteen was scary because it made me feel more alone than being in a classroom full of people who had their own friends. Cliques formed so quickly, it triggered anxiety whenever I had to form groups for assignments and I had to be those “leftovers” who needed to be adopted into some random groups. After that I really tried, to change and I did. I’m still figuring out my life and work out my insecurities 🙂 I’m hopeful.

If you went through something traumatic too, or still struggling to recover from your past experiences or even yourself, I’d love to hear from you and share some love too :’)

fish on dry land

I’m gasping,

gasping so hard for air.

I suffer everyday,

yet I pull through,

thinking about the water;

How calming the water to feel against my skin,

How a cold shock would revive my spine,

How it will wash all my worries all away.

Til’ then,

I wait,

in agonizing pain.

I long for the day,

I may rest there,

eternally.

 

 

stop hugging me

Hugs are basic forms of affection, or so most people say.

People give them out for free and often. People hug to say hi, to apologise, to love, to finish their sentences.

Stop it.

Hugs are powerful.

Stop giving them so carelessly.

A hug can cure loneliness, it can confess love, it can comfort beyond words can ever. A hug can mend ties, bid farewell and give you life. A hug can make you a new friend, a new lover or soulmate.

A hug, can shatter the walls I take forever to build…

So stop giving it to me if you don’t mean it.

Don’t leave me lonelier than before you came.

I beg you.

not today satan!! i decide who to love

Every night, I struggle in my sleep to decipher why you appear in my dreams.

Surely, you didn’t appear in my dreams with a purpose… right?

Oh god, I hope not.

It must be pure coincidence.

We are better friends. I like it this way.

For every dream I dream, feels like sin. It feels wrong because my mind and heart belongs to someone but my heart and soul yearns for you.

But I am careful.

For being with you in real life is too good to be true.

So I wrap up my wishes and feelings and store them at the back of my consciousness and pray that in the next life, maybe… just maybe… you might be mine.

the outline of your face

I could have sworn I finally forgot what you looked like. I thought to myself, if I’ll never forget the pain you caused, I should at least forget how you look like.

I should forget how deep your dimple piercings were and how I used to love playing with them. I should forget how your eyes, though small, were the most beautiful pair I’ve had the privilege of gazing at. I should forget how you had the most lushest lips I had pressed against my lips.

I should at least forget the details on your face, so that I may at least be able to miss you in a crowd and not be reminded of what I lost.

After so long I believed that I did it; I finally forgot what he was like.

But today I found out I was wrong.

Out of the blue, I had a detailed image of you in my head. So detailed, that as I scanned across the mental image, It ticked off all the points of details I remembered. No idea what triggered this, but whatever. It’s done.

What made it worse was, it was a moving picture. Watching you move, made it more painful. As I watched you move, I felt my heart burn like corrosive acid on skin.

I felt alive with emotion yet dead with no hope.

So with this, I’ll try to forget you again from today.