fears, fears and more fears

The fear of growing up is real. It’s beyond “I don’t wanna grow up”, “I love having no responsibilities” , “I like having fun” etc.

The fear stems from the thoughts of not being able to fulfil the dreams we had for decades, of not following the plans we mapped out for our “life goals” and of not being better versions of ourselves as promised.

I come from a generation, a batch of humans, obsessed with moving forward, obsessed with being perfect. We strive for constant growth, to fix up the problems accumulated by previous generations. Basically, we push the boundaries of what “perfect” really is. But as we as one generation, speak of such grand endeavours, we are fearful of being failures. There’s no such thing as setbacks; there’s only constant and consistent improvement.

I know in reality, this isn’t the case. But I can’t help but fear of being an adult that my own teenager self won’t look up to. I want to be that daughter who can provide for my parents a comfortable retirement. I want to be that sibling who is able to provide constant support regardless the drift. I want to be that friend who is full of wisdom and develops them to be better versions of theirselves. I want to be that wife, who loves unconditionally and unselfishly. I want to be that mother, like my own, who is forgiving and supportive. I want to be that doctor who would lay down their life for a stranger.

All these wants, are not just mere expectations. These are goals. Goals that are unwavering throughout my life and give me purpose.

These fears, ironically, although they shake me to my core and get the better of me at times, are the reason I’m stronger and more courageous everyday. I fear for my future, but it does not demise my hunger for a successful future, how ever other people’s reality paint me a dark and turbulent road ahead. I look forward to more challenges and more fears to conquer for as long as I live 🙂

i hate it!

I hate it! I really hate it when someone tells me it’s too late.

It’s too late to catch up, because only people who have consistency from the start succeed. It’s too late to learn a skill and be recognized for it because most people start from young. It’s too late to change your mind about your dreams because they require years of portfolio. It’s too late to be a mother because usually women give birth by 37. it’s too late to start a business in that field because it’s too popular now so your’s won’t succeed. It’s too late to go back to school because your brain must be rusty.

Saying “it’s too late” is like saying “you’ll fail for sure”. Now who are you, to say that?

Surely only God can tell. Yes, life is hard, life is unfair. But life is not always hard and unfair. Just like how you have to have been happy to be sad, you had good days to tell apart from the bad ones. I believe there is fate, but God is good and if we try hard enough, no matter the countless failures, you will make it in the end.

So don’t tell anyone it’s too late. They can do anything if they really want it, with no excuses.

Be a lad, and encourage the people around you to be better and happier. Don’t pull anyone down because that’s not what humanity is about.

deleting instagram?

To be honest, I’ve thought of deleting my instagram for quite some time now. BY quite some time, I mean like years. Did you guys ever have that thought?

I’m the kind of instagram user that posts unglamorous stories and posts, not caring about the aesthetics what so ever. As I grew up and friends around me started to have really pretty feeds and started to glam up in many ways, it got me really conscious. But eventually after entertaining that thought for a while, I’d manage to convince myself that I was not in a rush to grow up and that my feed should be an accurate representation of my personalities.

However, life caught up hard with me and the external pressures got the better of me. I started to even post things that looked good rather than what I wanted to post. I posted them because they were more “cool” and  gave the image of me that I wanted people to see. I did that for a while and it was pretty nice until one day I started being more reflective during the holidays and saw what I have become. I started to archive posts on and off, depending on my fluctuating levels of self-confidence.

That was a very tiring phase. I mean it technically is not done yet. As I am writing this piece, I am actually deciding on what I want do to with my Instagram and how I should look at it in a healthy way. I didn’t want to delete the account and just ghost from the virtual world. I wanted to make Instagram my bitch, if that makes any sense to you.

I did some readings and watched some vloggers talk about related issues and came to the decision that:

  1. I should only post what I want to post. I have to LOVE that post.
  2. If there’s anything I’m not loving but would still like to share, I’ll put it on my story.
  3. Make sure that whatever I post on my Instagram, I’d be okay if my future bosses see it.

Aside from these pointers that I will try to put into concrete practice, I realised how Instagram has consumed me in many ways. Yes, Instagram is a personal feed, but it shouldn’t be necessarily a representative of who you are. So I should not be stressing about how my feed looks like. It should be a platform for me to connect with my friends.

I do understand that I am a part of a generation that really makes Instagram an important part of our daily lives but it should not be an essential to our daily lives. Rather, it should be complimentary. Instagram should be all about being excited to share our lives and to know what our friends are up to. To unite through common feelings and interests. We shouldn’t be viewing Instagram like it’s an online portfolio, labeling people into who we think they are.

With this, I decided to archive most of my old posts. It’s not that I hate the posts. I just decided that I don’t want to share too much about my family on it and I am currently undergoing a transformation! Yes, for real. I have been trying to watch my weight and skin care. I also have been trying to earn and save as much money, as well as fix my priorities in life. I want to be posting new things about the new me and hopefully love myself even more each day 🙂

we rise by lifting others

Personally, I struggle setting good goals for myself and believing in myself. So I tend to set low goals so that I won’t disappoint. So now that I’m eu route to a lifelong medical career, my confidence is shaken everyday.

Today I discovered that I had a cheerleader in me. I’ve been tutoring a child for the notorious primary school leaving examinations and today I asked her “What score would you like to get in 2 years?”. She was lost and didn’t know what to set as her goals. I gave her suggestions and she shut them all down with the same reason-“That’s too high”.

It was looking at a mirror. I saw myself in her. It struck me so hard and I couldn’t believe I had so little faith in myself. But because I saw myself in her, I knew she can make it. So I turned into the cheerleader and pushed her. I told her to aim high and I gave her many reasons why she should aim high. At the end of an hour, I managed to persuade her to aim for a famous school which required a 90th percentile score.

I saw greater purpose in just being her tutor and helping her grades improve. This was my chance to change her life so that she may be better than me. I related so much to her and I know what if I were more confident before, I’d do so much better than now. I am in a good place now but it could have been better. I want to get her there. I want her to grow up and not beat herself up. She’s surrounded by relatives who are doctors and lawyers yet she feels like she’s got no hope.

She excels in math and her science is improving drastically. I have faith in her and I will be there for her, as a tutor and a life mentor.

This is me growing and living up to my motto: we rise by lifting others.