i fear, yet fear not…

My heart is racing; It keeps me up at night.

How can my heart ache so badly with so many fears? I’ve never wanted anything this badly.

I look into the mirror and I take a deep breath.

It wasn’t something bad that triggered this panic; oh in fact, it was like a gentle reminder from God himself. That is why I tremble in fear.

I know my calling and I know the tough road ahead.

In dreams and visions I see and feel the turmoil and hardship to come. I feel it in my dreams and it channels constant fear through my veins when I’m awake.

I fear, yet fear not.

He plans the best for me and I will take whatever he plans for me.

He watches over me.

coming back into religion

Imagine, a kid who is extremely spoiled and entitled going out for drinks and parties, yet coming home to parents who do not shoot her down for it yet let her be and love her regardless. That was how I was with God.

I recently came to know of this through a combined university retreat and it was kind of shocking. I mean I always knew I skipped church sessions and stuff but in my head, I always subconsciously admired and talked to God. But what made this camp stand out was the amount of realisations I had about myself.

For some of you who don’t know what happens in a retreat, basically, we pray and sing and make new friends, as we rekindle the flame in our hearts to find jesus after being tainted by the world’s problems and distractions.

There was this part where people come over and pray over us and speak to us some “advices”. I used to be really skeptical about this part because I didn’t believe that Jesus could use people to speak words of wisdom and I always thought that those people who pray over others just make up stuff that are general. But this time I was struck really hard. The senior who prayed over me, after praying in tongues, said to me that I was still struggling from the hurt because someone in my past left me for someone I deemed was better than myself. When I heard that, I was really shocked and so I started crying. I was crying because I did not tell anyone there about my past and I have been trying to keep up with the lie that I have let go of that hurt a long time ago. Hearing those words from a stranger was really something.

Then the next day, we had praying over again and the first few words I heard were “Jesus says he’s really sorry for the hurt you went through for so long…”. I started crying so much because I instantly felt comfort like never before and I felt sad that someone so great can feel so small for me. In those few words, I felt so much love. The praying session was so intense that I made the people praying over me cry.

And I’m not even done yet. Right after the prayer session, I went for confession and the priest called me out on my lack of self-worth. You’d think that after a few years of knowing how to glam up and take care of my body you’d feel 10/10 about yourself. He also called me out on being lazy with my relationship with Jesus.

On the last day of the retreat, I decided to really change my life. I was so tired of going into many camps hoping for a change to happen. But the thing I failed to do in the previous camps were to really let go to be vulnerable and learn and to put effort into that change I want to happen.

After much reflection, I realised that I probably never really believed in Jesus and so I lacked the love or at least failed to recognize the love I have in my life. Having all these truths revealed to me, tearing down my lies, really showed me that Jesus exists. Not only that he exists but that he has always been there in my life. I know, it’s kind of sad that I had to go through so much to know these things that came easily with most christians, but I don’t mind it.

There is no such thing as “finding God too late”.

This year I have a new goal and that is to be closer to Jesus. Posting this online to be accountable to this new proclaimed love for Jesus.

25/12/2018

#OYPCUR2018

don’t force your religion on me

At the cancer centre today, I encountered a very chatty old lady.

She started off really nice and well-mannered but it started to get really weird when she started to talk about religion. To give you some background, she is a muslim lady of mix malay and indian decent. As she was having chemo, she chatted me up and struck me saying “My husband and I believe in Jesus Christ only.”. The following will be a summary because she held me up for about 30 minutes. She proceeds to confuse me by saying that she thinks that the christian bible is fake and inaccurate, adding on that only the Quran is the right one.

At this point, I was just midly puzzled and slightly defensive but I did understand that everyone would be bias and insist that their own religion is the right one. So I stood quiet and continued to let her speak. She then says that all the other religions are up against muslims but muslims are the right ones. Afterwards, she quotes me some parts of the Quran and says that the bible was a bad interpretation. She said that I should start questioning the bible and read the Quran so “I would know the truth”.

Listening to all of that was so draining. I mean no hate for the muslims. In fact, I have quite a number of close friends who are in love with their Islam faith and I totally respect that because I see them blossom into beautiful and kind ladies. What pisses me off, is when someone tries to convert others, by tearing down their religion. I see no harm in trying to convert others but I believe that you should try to convert the person by showing them the beauty of another religion instead of telling them they believed in trash.

Ultimately, I am a Catholic and although I was born into this religion, I choose to stay in this religion and I respect other religions. I personally do not believe that religions should separate us all. From what I observe from my friends of multiple religions, that the basis of all religions is a guide to be a good human being on earth. We all believe in a heaven and we all believe in hell. So I don’t see why we should hate on others just because we believe in different kinds of Gods or a God?

Just love all 🙂 (ps, a very helpful nurse helped distract her for me to leave yay)

all saints day

Every nov 1st the heavens honour all the saints who have graced the earth and became role models for the rest of us.

Yesterday when I attended mass, Father Brian asked us to think about one saint that we look up to and model our lives after.

Immediately I thought of St Stephen and St Luke.

St Stephen was stoned because everyone was against him. I thought of him because I want to be brave like him, to be bold enough to stand up for what’s right and what I believe in. More often than not I find myself blindly following popular opinions and letting others sway me from my own thoughts.

St Luke was a practicing physician and that is ultimately what I aspire to be.

*Side note: Really Glad I finally turned up for mass today. I even went for the event after which was quite surprising to my friends. But praise the lord 🙂