effortless beauty

I have considered plastic surgery before. In fact, my mom has sent me for a consultation with plastic surgeon Dr Wu.

But it’s always never really solidified as a plan. And I never really wanted it badly, though I was sure, I really hated my nose. I hated my teeth, I hated so many things.

In primary school, I was bullied by quite a few people, both verbally and physically. They almost always targeted my looks and how timid I was. They thrived over my unwillingness to stand up for my self, and my wreaking insecurities.

Eventually, I grew up and became better looking as the years went by. I started to attract guys and although it was flattering, I never really got a sense of security in my own beauty with them around.

A few more years down, I tried make up. I tried fashion and deliberately finding pieces that flatter me. It was fun for a while, but in the long run it started to get tiring and superficial. Other girls can do it, but it’s just not me. It drains me. But it’s okay, I went back to my simple ways.

As I gave it more thought, I realized I was happy being simple. I am happy being simple. I love being able to breathe well in my shorts, to have my pores bare and breathing, my lips being able to brush against the food I consume. I love carrying a backpack, wearing dinosaurs on my ears and overloading my bag with k8’s essentials like umbrella, tissues, water bottle, lip balm etc. So then I thought, there must be a way, to enhance something and yet stay simple and me.

Effortless beauty

I don’t mean model like selfies by the bed kind of effortless. I mean, to naturally change what I can change, to the best I can, so that I can be bare and feel beautiful. Take for instance, I can grow out my lashes with castor oil, I can thin my face out with massages daily, I can fixed my chapped lips with honey every morning and I can shrink my pores with icing etc.

I want to be able to be my own definition of beautiful without make up or any fancy clothing. I want to be able to distinguish special days and outings with friends where I do wear make up and dress up.

I want to feel beautiful both with make up and without.

I’m doing quite a few things to do that now. When I succeed at it, I’ll update you guys 🙂

so a stranger called me beautiful… now what?

I’ve always had self-esteem issues… but I don’t talk about it.

When people compliment me, I don’t accept it and even think that they probably just said it without much sincerity. Sometimes I even think they have an agenda because of the saying “flattery will get you places”…

Anyway, today was pretty bad. I woke up after a mere 4 hours of sleep and felt like less of a human being. I came out of bed after a thousand snoozes and looked in the mirror. As usual, I was displeased by what I saw. I began to shoot down myself with specified flaws, from the uneven pigmentation to the hooded eyelids that always made me look puffy. Afterwards I took a shower, came back and did my skin care routine.

Then I looked into the mirror again… “Okay… maybe I can work with this…”. So I messed up my hair to create a side parting, put on sunscreen and massaged my face. I put on a London style turtle neck with some culoids, sprayed some Prada candy and puckered up with some Innis-free lip balm.

For the final time, I looked at myself in the mirror… For a second, I felt prettier and happier but the longer I stared, the more I felt ugly while observing my face detailedly. Then a gush of throwbacks come pouring in, reminding me of the people who put me down and called me fat and ugly in the past. No matter how much I’ve changed for the better, I always saw the troll I was before.

But it’s okay. I still went on with my day and went to NCCS. When I got there, I found out I was gonna be attached to a lady who was a chines national. I said my greetings and found out she could only converse in Chinese… which was fine I guess because my Chinese was getting better.

As we were preparing… she asked for my nationality and said “你很漂亮。” which was “you are beautiful” in chinese. I shut it down with an awkward laughter and scratched my arm trying to shake off the anxiety from hearing that. She went on and said that she wasn’t lying and said I really was beautiful- ”我说的是真的。 真的很美丽啊。”

I was going to shut her down again but while she said that, she stared at me in awe and smiled. It was like she was admiring me as if she hasn’t seen anything so beautiful in her life. At that moment, I was sad. I was sad because I’ve always dismissed people’s compliments to be white lies and even felt uglier after that. I was sad because I couldn’t fully appreciate how beautiful I was even as she stared at me like that. I was sad because I’ve made myself like this.

For the next few hours she proceeds to say it more and stare at me the same way too. The more she said it, the more I felt at ease with her and tried to accept those compliments. She also got to know me and told me about her family. Towards the end, she asked for a picture with me and said it again :’). I swear my heart can only take so much.

Although she may never see this, I’d like to thank her. She may have done something so simple for her, but yet means so much to me. I’ve never felt so beautiful before. That was the most sincere compliment I have ever received from someone.

Hence forth, I decided to embark on this project to appreciate myself more often so that one day I may radiate a beautiful and pure energy that will inspire other people too.