walk on water

is it possible?

a voice within my subconscious called upon me,

to abandon the ship that is struggling through the high seas,

and to walk on the water with it.

confusing,

maybe i’m going insane I thought.

i look over at the raging and clashing waves from the deck,

took a deep breath and jumped.

//

funny…

i opened my eyes and i was walking on ice.

the thin ice carried my weight as i walked…

after a few steps, the thin ice stopped.

i looked beyond the step,

and i realised it was water.

this is where i stop walking,

i thought.

“No. Continue.”,

my subconscious spoke to me.

“You are only limited to your own boundaries you set.”,

she begged me to push myself.

and so i did.

//

i walked and walked,

and as i walked on more,

i felt a weight being lifted.

my mind felt afloat,

my heart spacious and wanting for more,

my feet once tired,

now wants to venture to the ends of the world until i can no longer be on this earth.

now I believe,

that the greatest monsters on earth,

are the ones you create for yourself.

first week at school

recess was bad…

toilet and library I went and back,

while my anxiety consumed me.

the uniform didn’t help either;

3 inches below the knee,

tucked in when it shouldn’t be,

made my heart feel heavier with all that fabric.

//

toilets were the worst…

the mirrors tell you everything- the truths.

but oddly enough,

as I faced the mirror,

it didn’t say anything to me.

it didn’t dare to say anything…

but I saw it;

the reason why the thought of meeting new people and making friends consumed me,

the reason why abandonment issues locked my heart,

the reason why trust issues paint my skin.

//

so back and forth I went,

toilet and library I went and back.

alone was my comfort,

alone was safe,

alone was my fort,

that made reality fade.

\\

The above is true πŸ™‚ I did experience that in high school. Let’s just say I had a really traumatic childhood and I probably haven’t full recovered from it but I’m constantly trying. I still remembered my first week in high school really vividly. I didn’t have friends for quite some time because I didn’t dare to speak in class, nor did I dare even reply other people. During recess, I would run off to wait for time to fly in the toilet, or I’d wait and hide in the library reading books. The canteen was scary because it made me feel more alone than being in a classroom full of people who had their own friends. Cliques formed so quickly, it triggered anxiety whenever I had to form groups for assignments and I had to be those “leftovers” who needed to be adopted into some random groups. After that I really tried, to change and I did. I’m still figuring out my life and work out my insecurities πŸ™‚ I’m hopeful.

If you went through something traumatic too, or still struggling to recover from your past experiences or even yourself, I’d love to hear from you and share some love too :’)

steady storm

being still and doing nothing are two very different things.

be at peace with your friend,

be at peace with your lover,

be at peace with your family,

be at peace with yourself.

don’t let your own lies bring you down,

don’t let your own critique swallow you whole.

be steady,

be calm,

be honestly happy with you.

 

getaway car

you were my youth,

my first taste of escape.

if i could choose,

i’d still wouldn’t have it any other way.

you hurt me yes,

but you still gave me the happiest days.

now in my wisdom days,

i appreciate you as my john ross,

and that i,

in this lifetime,

can only be your betsy.

i’ve come to love,

i’ve come to be loved,

more than you made me thought i deserved.

just like a getaway car,

fast with passion,

we roared like the wind,

but weren’t destined to go very far.

you are my getaway car.

control the need for control

grinding my teeth every night,

and as hard as i might,

i just can’t get through the sleepless nights.

schedules,

back to back,

anxiety,

my vision is black.

the fear of the unknown i take to my bed,

the fear of the known i keep in my head.

when will it stop?

when will i stop?

when will i stop and breathe happiness?

when will i stop and be happy?