hurts like heaven

I’m in a period of relapse, or rather what you call burn out, regression.

I’m at a point where I know I am exhausted; I’m tired of all the routines of study and work. I’m beat and my demons are taking over me.

I know it is temporary but right now they’re really getting into my system. I feel it getting stronger by the minute.

With the exhaustion of the thought of my existence and the unknown of what’s to come, the monsters I hid under the rug start to peep out. My past creeping back.

They come out when I face the mirrors, they talk to me when I see my photographs. They seep into my brain tissue when I see anything that could possibly remind me of you. They hold me dearly, as if comforting me, whenever I get lost in emotional moody songs- “It’s alright to be like this.”.

They’re not wrong. It is okay to be like that.

But I wonder when, if I do, when will I break free from their deceivingly comforting grasp. Everytime I do, they remind me that you, like heaven, hurts yet feels so good.

So now tell me…

How do I unmiss you?

my 21st birthday

I loved my birthday. It was overdue because of my finals and everything was so last minute but I am so glad :’)

The party was dinosaur themed but Amazon let me down and so I had to purchase a dragon outfit last minute. Although I set up the idea of the party, it was really my family and friends who set it up for me. My sister did up a video that had some of my closest friends in them and they did a montage for me. My parents bought me a t-rex balloon that was taller than me and got me a cake that matched my dragon outfit. My friends came and we played pool and ate a ton and watched netflix then ended the night with some good alcohol.

My bestfriend Michael told me he could not come at first due to NS restrictions but ended up surprising me by coming. :’)

I loved every bit of it and the hard work from my parents and it was all really great.

I could write a whole detailed script on what happened chronologically but pictures speak louder than words so here it is!

 

i am angry at the world

I am angry at those who abuse their political power to control the innocent they rule.

I am angry at the criminals who have no remorse after being convicted of their crimes.

I am angry at the corrupted officials who decide that money is more important than the millions of innocent people they supposedly represent and serve.

How dare you have no humility to admit and take action to right your wrongs?

I am angry at the bosses who decide that they are more important than their team and control them like industrial and corporate slaves.

I am angry at the thieves who steal people’s prized possessions and even take people’s lives for material things.

I am angry at the bullies who strike down their peers be it verbally, physically, psychologically and through cyber ways.

Whatever their reason is to be doing what they do, it isn’t right- it is as simple as that. Whatever their circumstance and past, there is always an option to do the right thing over what is easier.

I am angry at myself because with every news article issued on human crises around the world, I choose to not take action yet and just remain angry at the world.

I am angry at myself for being afraid of the people I am angry at.

I am angry at myself for choosing to believe that I am a powerless 21 year old and that all I have is sorrow for the people who have been wronged by bad ones.

I am still angry at myself but I am starting small and I remain hopeful.

 

I still believe, that like the storybooks, the evil will lose and the good ones will eventually get their rest and peace. God help us all, regardless of language, race, religion, gender.

 

growing up too slowly?

I just turned 21 and as much as I’d like to convince myself that life is getting prettier… it isn’t.

I always have assumed that with each passing year, I am closer to my freedom and the ability to control my life and change the world. However in the past few months, I have been exposed to many things I could not comprehend with my naive little head.

My parents began showing me what they had for my sister and I as inheritance and what I would have to continue paying on their behalf as I take on some of their properties. They also showed me many investments and bills, told me of many mistakes they made and what I had to do towards the insurance policies of the family. Hearing all of that made me more knowledgeable but at the same time, anxious because I always thought that the success of my parents were from simple work home work kind of lifestyle. I was a shock being showed the background scenes and knowing that I had to begin helping them was scary for me. Don’t get me wrong! Of course I want to help my parents and I will.

On top of that, I started hearing of friends having difficulty coping with work life, unemployment, backstabbing in work, losing family etc.

All of this in such a short period of time made me feel as if my kingdom was collapsing. I felt like that realm of which I had built with the ideas of optimism and joy was just an illusion. This is leaving me conflicted because I am torn at the cross roads of choosing to mature immediately or accept that my time to mature fully will come gradually.

My parents told me that I should maintain my personality being a bundle of joy and optimism but my friends tell me that I am too kid-like in my mindset towards life.

I don’t run away from responsibilities; I work part time and study too. I have great ambitions and my friends know of it and support me. My parents say my mindset towards money has changed for the better and I am starting to get my priorities right but is it fast enough?

 

coming back into religion

Imagine, a kid who is extremely spoiled and entitled going out for drinks and parties, yet coming home to parents who do not shoot her down for it yet let her be and love her regardless. That was how I was with God.

I recently came to know of this through a combined university retreat and it was kind of shocking. I mean I always knew I skipped church sessions and stuff but in my head, I always subconsciously admired and talked to God. But what made this camp stand out was the amount of realisations I had about myself.

For some of you who don’t know what happens in a retreat, basically, we pray and sing and make new friends, as we rekindle the flame in our hearts to find jesus after being tainted by the world’s problems and distractions.

There was this part where people come over and pray over us and speak to us some “advices”. I used to be really skeptical about this part because I didn’t believe that Jesus could use people to speak words of wisdom and I always thought that those people who pray over others just make up stuff that are general. But this time I was struck really hard. The senior who prayed over me, after praying in tongues, said to me that I was still struggling from the hurt because someone in my past left me for someone I deemed was better than myself. When I heard that, I was really shocked and so I started crying. I was crying because I did not tell anyone there about my past and I have been trying to keep up with the lie that I have let go of that hurt a long time ago. Hearing those words from a stranger was really something.

Then the next day, we had praying over again and the first few words I heard were “Jesus says he’s really sorry for the hurt you went through for so long…”. I started crying so much because I instantly felt comfort like never before and I felt sad that someone so great can feel so small for me. In those few words, I felt so much love. The praying session was so intense that I made the people praying over me cry.

And I’m not even done yet. Right after the prayer session, I went for confession and the priest called me out on my lack of self-worth. You’d think that after a few years of knowing how to glam up and take care of my body you’d feel 10/10 about yourself. He also called me out on being lazy with my relationship with Jesus.

On the last day of the retreat, I decided to really change my life. I was so tired of going into many camps hoping for a change to happen. But the thing I failed to do in the previous camps were to really let go to be vulnerable and learn and to put effort into that change I want to happen.

After much reflection, I realised that I probably never really believed in Jesus and so I lacked the love or at least failed to recognize the love I have in my life. Having all these truths revealed to me, tearing down my lies, really showed me that Jesus exists. Not only that he exists but that he has always been there in my life. I know, it’s kind of sad that I had to go through so much to know these things that came easily with most christians, but I don’t mind it.

There is no such thing as “finding God too late”.

This year I have a new goal and that is to be closer to Jesus. Posting this online to be accountable to this new proclaimed love for Jesus.

25/12/2018

#OYPCUR2018