Imagine, a kid who is extremely spoiled and entitled going out for drinks and parties, yet coming home to parents who do not shoot her down for it yet let her be and love her regardless. That was how I was with God.
I recently came to know of this through a combined university retreat and it was kind of shocking. I mean I always knew I skipped church sessions and stuff but in my head, I always subconsciously admired and talked to God. But what made this camp stand out was the amount of realisations I had about myself.
For some of you who don’t know what happens in a retreat, basically, we pray and sing and make new friends, as we rekindle the flame in our hearts to find jesus after being tainted by the world’s problems and distractions.
There was this part where people come over and pray over us and speak to us some “advices”. I used to be really skeptical about this part because I didn’t believe that Jesus could use people to speak words of wisdom and I always thought that those people who pray over others just make up stuff that are general. But this time I was struck really hard. The senior who prayed over me, after praying in tongues, said to me that I was still struggling from the hurt because someone in my past left me for someone I deemed was better than myself. When I heard that, I was really shocked and so I started crying. I was crying because I did not tell anyone there about my past and I have been trying to keep up with the lie that I have let go of that hurt a long time ago. Hearing those words from a stranger was really something.
Then the next day, we had praying over again and the first few words I heard were “Jesus says he’s really sorry for the hurt you went through for so long…”. I started crying so much because I instantly felt comfort like never before and I felt sad that someone so great can feel so small for me. In those few words, I felt so much love. The praying session was so intense that I made the people praying over me cry.
And I’m not even done yet. Right after the prayer session, I went for confession and the priest called me out on my lack of self-worth. You’d think that after a few years of knowing how to glam up and take care of my body you’d feel 10/10 about yourself. He also called me out on being lazy with my relationship with Jesus.
On the last day of the retreat, I decided to really change my life. I was so tired of going into many camps hoping for a change to happen. But the thing I failed to do in the previous camps were to really let go to be vulnerable and learn and to put effort into that change I want to happen.
After much reflection, I realised that I probably never really believed in Jesus and so I lacked the love or at least failed to recognize the love I have in my life. Having all these truths revealed to me, tearing down my lies, really showed me that Jesus exists. Not only that he exists but that he has always been there in my life. I know, it’s kind of sad that I had to go through so much to know these things that came easily with most christians, but I don’t mind it.
There is no such thing as “finding God too late”.
This year I have a new goal and that is to be closer to Jesus. Posting this online to be accountable to this new proclaimed love for Jesus.