thank u, next

one taught me love, one taught me patience, one taught me pain

Ariana Grande’s recent single was so inspirational. (See: thank u, next) It gives me strength to look at the past with more hope for the future. If you haven’t heard of the song, it is basically a song dedicated to all her ex boyfriends, without shading them. In the song, she speaks about learning from them and thus becoming a bolder and amazing woman who she is today.

I am the kind of person who tends to hold on to the past, the kind of person who likes to think about how I could have done things differently. The countless “what if”s in my head, replaying the different scenarios that could have been, had I said or done something differently. I recognize that this is something I should work on and I am. But to be honest, it has been rather slow of a progress especially since I have been too busy recently. After listening to this single, I felt like a problem I shoved under the mat came back out to haunt me.

I have been struggling to see my past boyfriends as positive figures in my memory. Don;t get me wrong, after each break up, I did take the time to reflect and point out whatever i could learn from the failed relationship. I did learn from that, but I still have not been able to see them in a positive light. In my memories, they are still bad guys who I should hate because they hurt me.

Sometimes, for a few moments, I would be able to convince myself that I don’t regret loving them. I would think about all the happiness they gave me and how I have slowly matured with each lover. I’d even rationalise it by thinking that I too, have caused them hurt and sadness. This, however, would only last for a few days tops. Eventually, I’d go back to hating them.

Right now, I’d say I probably only hate one of them now. I say this because for the others whom I have dated, I genuinely become happy when I hear that they are doing fine and well in life. I have even became good friends with a few of them.

With the release of thank u, next, I hope that in time, I’ll break myself free and forgive him and myself too.

 

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