fear of loss

I had friends and seniors having family members or friends pass away or getting life-threatening diagnoses and when they tell me, I found it hard to feel their pain.

Nevertheless, I try as hard as I can to be empathetic and say the “right” words like “I’m so sorry for your loss but I’m always here for you” or “Anytime you need a shoulder to cry on I’m here” or “They’re resting in heaven and they’ll always be with you guiding you” etc.

My life for at least the past 6 years or so has been really smooth sailing in terms of family and I’ve learnt to love my family more with each passing day, so it scares me to death to lose them one day. But of course, I’d be reminded of that fear and get scared one day when I watch a film or hear a piece of tragic news. Then the next day I’d totally forget about that fear and be jolly and take everything for granted. It’s a vicious cycle, that is, until something really happens to you.

Today, my mom told me her cyst is growing again and it’s huge. She told me she’s afraid to operate because her DVT will complicate the operation so it could be fatal.

Now I’m really sad and shook. Even as I type this I can cry like a baby and ball until my eyes pop out because it’s so slippery and it’s struggling to keep its shit together. But no, I shan’t be a baby.

I’ll drive this fear into useful ways, to motivate me to do better, be better everyday. The fear is real, but it’s life. The beauty in life is the fear of the unknown.

I will handle this gracefully.

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