hurts like heaven

I’m in a period of relapse, or rather what you call burn out, regression.

I’m at a point where I know I am exhausted; I’m tired of all the routines of study and work. I’m beat and my demons are taking over me.

I know it is temporary but right now they’re really getting into my system. I feel it getting stronger by the minute.

With the exhaustion of the thought of my existence and the unknown of what’s to come, the monsters I hid under the rug start to peep out. My past creeping back.

They come out when I face the mirrors, they talk to me when I see my photographs. They seep into my brain tissue when I see anything that could possibly remind me of you. They hold me dearly, as if comforting me, whenever I get lost in emotional moody songs- “It’s alright to be like this.”.

They’re not wrong. It is okay to be like that.

But I wonder when, if I do, when will I break free from their deceivingly comforting grasp. Everytime I do, they remind me that you, like heaven, hurts yet feels so good.

So now tell me…

How do I unmiss you?

so a stranger called me beautiful… now what?

I’ve always had self-esteem issues… but I don’t talk about it.

When people compliment me, I don’t accept it and even think that they probably just said it without much sincerity. Sometimes I even think they have an agenda because of the saying “flattery will get you places”…

Anyway, today was pretty bad. I woke up after a mere 4 hours of sleep and felt like less of a human being. I came out of bed after a thousand snoozes and looked in the mirror. As usual, I was displeased by what I saw. I began to shoot down myself with specified flaws, from the uneven pigmentation to the hooded eyelids that always made me look puffy. Afterwards I took a shower, came back and did my skin care routine.

Then I looked into the mirror again… “Okay… maybe I can work with this…”. So I messed up my hair to create a side parting, put on sunscreen and massaged my face. I put on a London style turtle neck with some culoids, sprayed some Prada candy and puckered up with some Innis-free lip balm.

For the final time, I looked at myself in the mirror… For a second, I felt prettier and happier but the longer I stared, the more I felt ugly while observing my face detailedly. Then a gush of throwbacks come pouring in, reminding me of the people who put me down and called me fat and ugly in the past. No matter how much I’ve changed for the better, I always saw the troll I was before.

But it’s okay. I still went on with my day and went to NCCS. When I got there, I found out I was gonna be attached to a lady who was a chines national. I said my greetings and found out she could only converse in Chinese… which was fine I guess because my Chinese was getting better.

As we were preparing… she asked for my nationality and said “你很漂亮。” which was “you are beautiful” in chinese. I shut it down with an awkward laughter and scratched my arm trying to shake off the anxiety from hearing that. She went on and said that she wasn’t lying and said I really was beautiful- ”我说的是真的。 真的很美丽啊。”

I was going to shut her down again but while she said that, she stared at me in awe and smiled. It was like she was admiring me as if she hasn’t seen anything so beautiful in her life. At that moment, I was sad. I was sad because I’ve always dismissed people’s compliments to be white lies and even felt uglier after that. I was sad because I couldn’t fully appreciate how beautiful I was even as she stared at me like that. I was sad because I’ve made myself like this.

For the next few hours she proceeds to say it more and stare at me the same way too. The more she said it, the more I felt at ease with her and tried to accept those compliments. She also got to know me and told me about her family. Towards the end, she asked for a picture with me and said it again :’). I swear my heart can only take so much.

Although she may never see this, I’d like to thank her. She may have done something so simple for her, but yet means so much to me. I’ve never felt so beautiful before. That was the most sincere compliment I have ever received from someone.

Hence forth, I decided to embark on this project to appreciate myself more often so that one day I may radiate a beautiful and pure energy that will inspire other people too.

so I had a painful first love…

How do you appreciate your first love?

I had a first love, just like most. I’d call it a great love, not because it beats romanticized novels but it’s great in the way that it transformed me for the better. I can confidently say that I wouldn’t be in such a great place now without having been with him.

I wouldn’t call it a toxic relationship because he was a genuinely good person, who was just at the crossroads, lost and confused. What boiled down in our relationship was the clash of different phases in life, the indecisiveness on his part and the perpetually exhausting distrust I had towards him.

I won’t go into the details of the relationship too much but I’ll tell you how I transformed after we parted ways.

He taught me things like living a more frugal life and he broke down many misconceptions I had about people like him. He was gangster-like, “ah-beng” as what my friends called him. I used to be afraid to be associated with people like him until I took a sneak peek and realized they’re more than capable of having substance.

He taught me how to be more open to the unknown and be more independent. Very much like my father, he was a scholar who had to work after school almost daily to make ends meet. Dad always told me stories but I never really appreciated it until I saw it for myself. It was with him that I had my first meal alone outside too. I mean he didn’t leave me to eat by myself. But rather, I was waiting for him to end work so I studied while eating alone. It made me feel the reality of the need of being independent and alone from time to time.

After we broke up, I plunged into depression because no one left before. It took me about 3 months until I started to seek help from the people around me. With that, with my family and friends holding my hands, I forced myself out of the shadows and started to work on myself.

I had a gym membership and decided to shake off the weight from A-level stresses. I channeled the pain into a furious passion to shape myself the way I wanted and be a beautiful me that I could be proud of. I also started taking tea, which I really hated to drink before. I started eating healthy, more salads, less sweets. I lost 8kg in that month.

He, together with my friends, always complained about how I didn’t act like girls do, wearing makeup and dressing up to go out or impress the boys. So I started to learn and I was getting really good at it and my friends started to commend me. But with that, I also started to take care of my skin, progressively having long skin care routines that made my skin glow.

When school started, I was reminded of my goals to a medical practitioner. I was so furious that I neglected that dream just because I was trying to keep a self-destructive relationship going. So from then, I juggled studying extra subjects as I pursued my degree.

Acknowledging that I was slowly improving as a person, I realized that I had to let go of people who were not morphing me into the person I desire to be. Aristotle said we have 3 types of friends- Virtue, utility and pleasure (see:Aristotle: 3 types of friendships). Knowing I had little time to spare for friends, I made sure that the ones I held onto were worth it. I chose the friends that let me be transparent, at ease and loved. I chose friends that helped me realize my mistakes and push me to be better everyday.

All of these, I admit, were motivated by the pain of the thought of him. But I kept doing them until they became habits that made me a happy person. The more I did, the more I forgot these started off because of the thought of him.

It was then I realized that I have gotten over him. Maybe not 100%, but 90%. I still do think of him occasionally, even after 2 years. But there are no more urges to check on him, call him and be a part of his life. This doesn’t mean “good riddance”. I’m just happy for myself, for trusting time and those around me that I can grow and be happy.

If I don’t love myself, who will? 

This love was a sad one but it opened my eyes to a bigger world that would have never been realized had I not loved so hard like that.

I look onward to the future, open and hopeful 🙂

secretly wishing you happiness :)

Joy in your heart,

Burning passion as you make,

I wish for your happiness,

Regardless which step you take.

I know we parted,

Though we have no say,

I always hoped that we could stay.

But it’s alright,

We need this break.

Or maybe,

It’s a total break…

But promise me you’ll grow,

Into the person you dream of,

And not suffer in vain.

//

I lost a friend,

But the feelings and the lessons you taught me,

Will always be remembered.

over the moon :-)

I look upon silver linings,

When I wish for a different reality.

The stars are too busy,

Too occupied for the many hopefuls.

On most days,

I feel like the clouds;

Shadows behind the brilliant ones.

And so I look upon the clouds,

Knowing that I only have the odds with me,

And wish that they hear my heart’s desires,

And that maybe they feel what I’m feeling too.

I Guess they did.

My heart is full,

And warm,

Even with the many despairs it carries.

The clouds heard me;

They’re giving me a chance.

As the sun started to rest,

The clouds glistened and twinkled,

Giving me comforting acknowledgment.

Now,

I’ll show them that not only do stars shine,

But clouds do too.

deleting instagram!! #3 &#4

“Signed out, deleted the app”

My days have become more wholesome and it is really amazing how my life is changing for the better!

I used to doubt those YouTubers who tried it and said it was good but now I’m starting to appreciate it myself 🙂 Maybe you should try it too?

Updates:

#3:

#4:

I realised that the more I don’t think about it, the easier it gets

deleting Instagram!! #2

So today I actually dressed up, which is extremely rare! My friends usually complain about how I could wear sloppy wear to hang out with friends 🙂 After I dressed up, I realised I could not share it with my friends and that really bummed me out…

Which is bad in my opinion.

I wanted to have a healthy relationship with appearance and having a solid and steady development loving myself.

After a while, I realised that I felt great regardless! Stepping out and being out, not being afraid about having enough likes or getting validation from my peers lifted a huge weight over my shoulders. Not only that, I got to know that I don’t actually entirely hate my appearance through how I felt being out in public, with all the make up and nice clothes, without getting approval from my friends.

beauty_1552539572287

Today, a full day out and I didn’t get to share any of it with instagram yet I felt great and beautiful at the end of the day!

I guess this marks the start of a healthier relationship with self-gratification and appreciation! hehe

deleting Instagram!! #2

“Signed out, deleted the app.”

Another day and maybe it is too soon to say, but I’m seeing the benefits already 🙂

Morning feels:

Update on quality of studying: